On first impressions, I’m your typical girls’ girl. I don’t leave the house without makeup on, I’d never drink lager in a pub, and sometimes I cry at The X Factor without really knowing why. However, beneath this girly exterior I hide a few dark secrets. A few things that make me worry that my membership card for Womanhood might be revoked at any minute.
I present you with the 7 ways I totally fail as a woman:
1. I’m not interested when people bring a baby into the office, and can’t actually bring myself to stand around cooing at the tiny human. Do I want to have a hold? No, I want to drink my tea in peace. Now, if someone brought a puppy in on the other hand…
2. Most ‘chick flicks’ make me want to smother myself in the sofa cushions. While there are some that I love as much as the next girl (big up Bridget Jones), there are a lot of classic chick flicks that leave me absolutely cold. Dirty Dancing? Weird film about some sort of holiday camp sexual predator, from what I’m seeing. Pretty Woman? Why on earth is this meant to be a romantic situation I aspire to? The Holiday? YOU MUST ALL BE JOKING, HOW CAN ANYONE ENJOY THIS ANNOYING DRIPPY FILM?
3. I hate baths. You’ll never find a photo of my soapy legs emerging from a Lush-laden bath on my Instagram, because I don’t like baths at all. I’ve finally figured out that this is because I’m short and my feet don’t reach the end of my bath, leaving me with a constant worry that I might drown. First world problems.
4. I can’t flirt. I must have been missing from school the day that they took the girls into another room and demonstrated the fine art of hair flicking and eyelash fluttering (I assume the boys were in their room getting told things like “beep at her and shout something vulgar from your car” and “dance up behind her in a bar until she has to throw her drink at you. Get in there lad”).
5. Sometimes I over-share about gross bodily functions. Take this blog post for example, where I ended up speaking about poo quite a lot. I’ll share these sort of details with family, friends and colleagues – none of whom probably want to know… but we’re all human. We all poo. Wait, don’t we..?
6. The thought of a wedding appeals to me less than a bath. Apparently every young girl dreams about their wedding day. Erm, not this one.While I really like other people’s weddings, the idea of having everyone stare at me and want to speak to me for a WHOLE DAY makes me a bit stressed. And that’s before I even think about the money that has to go into it. I can honestly think of about 15 things I would rather do with 10 grand, and none of them involve my relatives eating vol-au-vents. Buy your own vol-au-vents.
7. I don’t really fancy Ryan Gosling or David Beckham, and I definitely don’t fancy Bieber. With my teenage crushes on Russell Brand and Noel Fielding, I was once accused of only fancying men who looked like ugly women (rude, Brand is clearly still a stud)(Fielding not so much, soz). Sometimes I have to pretend to swoon at the latest photos of David Beckham in his pants just so nobody exposes me as a feminine oddity.
Do any of you relate to my lack of womanly guiles, my disregard for chick flicks and my penchant for oversharing? Let me know in the comments!
Disclaimer: and before anyone jumps at me for how horrendously stereotyping this post is – calm down. I’m having a laugh… Except I don’t really think girls should drink pints of lager. T’RA!