At 25 years of age, I’ve now been going on nights out for EIGHT YEARS. Apart from just being a horrifying fact that makes me feel like a granny, what this really means is that by now I’ve sussed out the essentials needed for a good night out. I will point out that I nearly always have fun on nights out, mainly because my friends are heeee-larious and we could probably have a laugh in a skip if there was enough vodka and crisps, but there are of course some nights that are better than others. And, in my extensive experience, these are the nights that involve…
Good hair, makeup and outfit – aka: everything on fleek
Shallow one out of the way first: if you’re looking like a hot tamali then you’re already 50% more likely to have a good night. I think that rather than this being a vanity thing, it’s actually just because there’s so much that can go wrong during a getting-ready sesh. Flappy eyelashes, uneven fake tan and that bastard baguette you had earlier that’s now making you look six months pregnant can all throw a serious spanner into the works. Therefore if nothing goes wrong then the sheer relief and joy that floods your body instantly puts you into a good mood. I think that’s the science behind it anyway; I’m sure Professor Brian Cox will do a documentary about it sometime soon.
Nailing the good group photo early
Okay, another shallow one, but let’s be honest: if at least one photo of the night out doesn’t go on Instagram then did it even happen? Getting a nice photo of the group where nobody looks bog-eyed or has a weird tooth poking out (Lauren and I call this the ‘Nanny McPhee tooth’) is a MUST, and if you happen to get this fantastically Instagrammable photo early on in the night then it’s a sign you’re going to have one of the best nights out EVER.
There’s this bit on Family Guy where one of the women says they should all have some drinks at home before going to the bar because drinks are expensive, and this is actually a JOKE on the programme because it’s supposed to show how tight the woman is. However, I don’t know anybody that doesn’t drink at someone’s house before a night out – it’s literally the only way you can cope with having to go out and be surrounded by all of the bar weirdos you’re going to encounter.
The key to a really good pre-drinks is to achieve the perfect level of tipsy-drunk. You need to be tipsy-drunk enough that you’re ready to dance when you hit da club and don’t end up doing the awkward two-step on arrival – BUT not so drunk that you don’t remember leaving the house and then aren’t allowed in. Good pre-drink essentials: snacks, a communal bottle of shots, some sort of 40 Best RnB Anthems on the music channels (remember those?), embarrassing tales from your youth.
Not having to queue
Nothing has the potential to kill your pre-drinks buzz quicker than a long, cold queue to get into a bar or club. You’ll end up behind some weirdos that want to make queue friends, you’ll be so desperate for a wee you’ll genuinely weigh up just pissing yourself for the relief (and the warmth) and you’ll end up filled with rage at people trying to push in. For the best nights out, try to avoid queues by either making sure you’re on some sort of queue-jump guestlist (normally doable if you’re out in a group of girls as they like to pack clubs with vajayjays to lure in men) or go somewhere crap that nobody ever queues to get in.
It’s nice to have a cocktail or some Prosecco on a night out to give the illusion that you’re classy . But once you’ve got that Snapchat out of the way, you should pursue cheap drinks because there’s nothing better than getting really drunk and only spending about £20. Tips for cheap drinking: happy hours, hip flasks, generous stag parties, going somewhere crap where everything is cheap.
Now I know there are people out there who – as they’ll so condescendingly tell you – “don’t need a drink to have a good time”. Well I also don’t need a drink to have a good time, but I do need a drink to start slut-dropping and flirting with the barman. As such, a good night requires friends who are on the same wavelength as you, i.e. up for being top twats and doing Jagerbombs. Friends who come out even though they’re not drinking are, to be a bit childish, party poopers. They are the poop at the party. They will also remind you of things you did the next day, which nobody needs. Go out with drunk friends to eliminate this pooping.
DJs that take requests
Often, it is the music that maketh the night. A DJ who’s willing to play the weird and wonderful requests that you and your mates need to hear right then and there is therefore a hero amongst men. We went through a phase of requesting Seal’s ‘Kiss By A Rose’ – I don’t know why (except for the obvious, that it’s a TUUUUNE) – and our latest penchant is for Eamon’s ‘Fuck It’ followed immediately by Frankie’s ‘FURB’. The success rate of this is very unpredictable, which I think is part of the fun.
A good takeaway
All good nights out should end in your stuffing your face with carbs and suspicious meat (minds out of the gutter, people). My personal meal of choice is sausage, chips and gravy, though loads of places stupidly don’t do gravy so it can be a bit of a holy grail. Cheesy chips are an okay-ish second option for me, so as long as there’s basically some sort of smothered chip then it’s a great end to a GREAT night.
So these are my recommendations for the best night out of your life, but what are yours? Let me know in the comments!