Tinder is totally old news, I know. But having recently become a single lunatic, it’s still pretty fresh news to me. Fresh and alarming news in fact. While I couldn’t agree more with the concept of getting rid of people by basically saying “Blimey, you are a moron, why do you even exist’ (I wish I could permanently swipe left annoying people out of my life), it has enlightened me to the fact that people are, in the nicest way possible, huge bells. And I’m not being generalist here, there are genuine groups of people who should seriously rethink their life choices. Without further ado…
The “I’m Just In Bed, Hehe :)” Boy
These are the worst. I have no idea where these idiots come from, but they can usually be found lounging creepily on a pile of pillows in a dim light looking sad and tragic. Yes, these are the ones who take pictures of themselves in bed. I don’t know what they’re thinking will happen, but there is no way in good, merry England that anyone is thinking, “Oh yes, because he has a picture of himself in bed, he will probably be good in bed” SWIPE RIGHT. No. Piss off, you girl. You are a terrible person.
The “I Really Like Comatose Tigers” Boy
I will put this out there, it’s not just boys that are guilty of this. Even I once took a picture with a cheetah at a safari park. But I don’t use it as a pulling technique. Surprisingly, no girl has ever found a man with a sleeping tiger attractive. If you’re trying to show people that you are all worldly and have been travelling, get a grip. Everyone has been travelling. You don’t need a tiger to prove it. Plus, you look like you like animal cruelty. Sicko.
The “Oh, Sorry I Didn’t See You There, I was Busy Scratching My Head” Boy
Boys with sleeve tattoos are most guilty of this. Basically, they shove their armpit in your eyeline either trying to a) show off their (probably) horrible sleeve tattoo or b) flex. It’s so obvious and so upsetting, that I am willing to bet that every single one of these so-called human beings are probably criminals and/or exist only to be laughed at. Plus, it just makes it look like they possibly have lice if they can’t talk a snap without touching their head.
The “I Don’t Know How To Work an Iphone” Boy
Mirror selfies. Let’s discuss. Unless you’re showing off an ootd, there is very little need to take a mirror selfie. Because, if you haven’t heard about it yet, iphones have a REVERSIBLE CAMERA. Yes, you can take a picture of your face without having to look like a twat in front of a mirror. It just gives off the impression that you have no mates. And if your excuse is that you don’t have an iphone, then that’s as much of a deal breaker. How are we supposed to fall in magical and unstoppable love if we can’t even imessage? Snore.
The “I’m Pretty Deep and Meaningful” Boy
These oddballs can usually only be spotted once you have decided “Hmm, ok, he doesn’t seem too terrible. Let’s find out more” and click on their Tinder mini-profile. And then suddenly, you are slapped in the face with an Oscar Wilde quote. Yes, we all might be in the gutter and some of us might be looking at the stars, but right now I am looking at you and wondering whether it would be too cruel to message your mum to ask her what on earth she has raised. This isn’t Myspace. Go away.
So anyway, I’m hoping that this post doesn’t make it sound like I hate everyone (I do), but people need to fix up. You genuinely wouldn’t act so embarrassing in real life, so it’s not okay to be such a raging bell in the app world.