So. Without belittling genuinely terrible things that happen to women around the world everyday, there are a number of horrible, NAY DISTRESSING, everyday things that happen to us lady humans. These are things that are rarely experienced by our male counterparts, and they are definitely more upsetting than when the Spice Girls broke up or even when Brit shaved her hair off (albeit barely).
Sometimes it can be hard to know what to do in these situations. In fact, it can be downright soul crushing. Whether it’s embarrassment, horror or just plain discomfort, Common Lady Problems (CLP) are a grief that many of us have to deal with on a regular basis. But what are these terrible things and more importantly, how can we avoid them – and ultimately avoid looking like raging lunatics? In no particular order, here’s what and how.
1. Applying too much hair oil
I’m sure this has happened to every girl at some point. In fact, it happened to me just this morning. I thought to myself ‘yeah, it’s hair oil day’ and BAM. I put too much in, and now I look like Severus Snape. This also goes for not washing conditioner out properly in the shower.
How to avoid: Unless you are a girl who gets up at a normal time and can afford to re-wash your hair, you’re going to have to deal with the situation pronto. One option is to wear your hair in a tight bun while pretending it is raining outside. Another option is to douse your hair in dry shampoo. This actually works quite well and you will look relatively normal until you have time to wash your hair properly.
2. Clocking someone in the same dress
No matter how much of a nice person you are, seeing someone in the same dress as you is mortifying. Yes, you could do the bigger person thing of ‘hahahah haven’t we both got great style?!’, but inside you are likely to die a little bit/a lot. Unless you know the girl in question, you can’t really demand they leave and get changed. With this in mind, there are a few options available to you.
How to avoid: Sit scrunched up in your chair and cover your body with your handbag until the girl leaves. Alternatively, never buy clothes from the high street but if you do, make sure your customise with rhinestones. Failing that, just don’t go out anywhere.
3. Tripping over in public
For some reason, girls trip over in public more than boys do. And while tripping over after 20 jagerbombs is a bit more acceptable, falling on your face in daylight hours/completely sober is not. I mostly blame our tripping over tendencies on the fact we wear complicated clothing like maxi skirts and flatforms, which are definitely tricky things to navigate. And when you do trip over (it will happen one day), the best course of action is to grab the nearest person and laugh hysterically until they laugh with you to make it all ok.
How to avoid: Don’t leave the house.
4. Sneezing after applying mascara
This is one of my personal life troubles. Whether you are a hayfever sufferer, ill-time your perfume spraying or just having ticklish eyelids (errr…just me?), sneezing after doing your mascara is THE WORST THING EVER. If I have spent a load of time getting the rest of my face right, faffing about blending things and dabbing at stuff, the last thing I want to happen is a god damn sneeze to ruin it all. And it does ruin it all. Panda eyes, having to do strategic wiping and absolutely ruined eye makeup are just a few of what we have to deal with. Three words: not cool, nose.
How to avoid: Don’t look at bright lights, don’t spray perfume just after you have done your mascara and, please for the love of Pete, take your antihistamines.
5. Orange Face, white body (and vice versa)
For the fake tanners amongst us, this is a very real concern. Getting your face and body the same colour is surprisingly difficult and there has been many a night where I thought I looked bangin’, and it turns out I looked like a white faced ghost poo body.
How to avoid: Get a foundation that matches your tanned self. Alternatively, give up tanning. Being a Pale Gail is much more preferable.
6. Drunk lipstick application
We all know the situation. It’s a Saturday night, you’ve got a fierce dress on, you’re sipping on
gin and juice Lambrini and life is generally brill. You slip off to the water closet to reapply your lipstick and after smearing some on, you stroll back into the club like you’re fluent in Swaghili. Unfortunately, you now look like a clown. And you don’t notice until you get tagged in pics the next morning.
How to avoid: Don’t wear lipstick when drinking. Ever. Lipgloss all the way, suckas.
7. Flapping fake eyelashes
See above. Instead of clown face, it’s the flappy eyelash scenario. If you want to look like a wonky faced fool or, god forbid, you look like you’re winking at miscellaneous strangers, then the flappy lash isn’t too much of an issue. However, it is an issue if you do mind.
How to avoid: Use lots and lots of glue. Bring glue out with you. If in doubt, rip your lashes off and roam eyelash free. It’s better than winking at people inadvertently.
8. Fringe separation
This one goes out to my fringed homegirls. Claire and I have both had full on fringes during our time on earth, and we can both tell you that they are the biggest faff known to man. If it’s not too long growing into your eyeballs it’s separating so you look like Peter Andre, Ben from A1 and Kim Jong Un all rolled into one. And I can tell you this my friends, this is not a look you want to be channelling. The 90s are not quite that back yet.
How to avoid: Hairspray your fringe. It doesn’t matter if you look like a Lego man. Just do it.
9. Dress stuck into pants
Another one of life’s classic woes. After nipping to the piddly diddly department, you accidentally get your dress/skirt stuck into your knickers. It is potentially one of the most embarrassing things to happen to us girls, and you have to hope you have a nice friend who will point out your bottom is on show. Alternatively, they will just laugh at you until you finally realise that you have been flashing everyone for approximately half an hour. It just depends what kind of mates you have.
How to avoid: Wear trousers. Or don’t wear pants, but if you go for the second option, you better hope there is no gusts of wind. Because you might get arrested.
10. Smudging nail varnish
Waiting for nails to dry or dipping into a bag of Doritos and hoping for the best…? I know which one I would chose (yes, obvs the Doritos). This is definitely another one of life’s woes, and I don’t really know why they haven’t created instant drying nail varnish for £1 yet. I will never wait long enough for my nails to dry and will always regret that I bothered to paint my nails at all. C’est tragique. Tres tres tragique. What is the point in life?
How to avoid: Be patient and actually wait for your nails to dry. Alternatively, glue on false nails. MUCH easier than the trauma of smudged nails.
SO ladies – agree, disagree? Let me know in the comments below!
And of course, this is completely meant to be a light hearted blog post, but if you are a fellow woman who is struggling with any form of terrible thing – here is a list of help lines and here is another that you might find useful :).