5 Things I Learned From Barbie

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You can keep your Marilyn Monroes and Audrey Hepburns; for me I will only ever have one true idol (sorry, Britney, you’re a close second): Barbie.

Barbie – whose real name is Barbara Millicent Roberts, don’t you know – burst into the lives of little girls everywhere in 1959 and ever since has been sashaying around the toy world like the fit piece of ass that she is.

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I feel like Barbie has acquired quite a negative reputation over the last few years. You’ve probably all seen that thing buzzing round the internet that spouts annoying little facts such as ‘if Barbie was a real person then she would be unable to conceive a child’, ‘she would have to crawl on all fours’, ‘she wouldn’t be able to lift her own head’. Well, I don’t know how to tell you this, but guess what – SHE’S NOT A REAL PERSON; SHE IS A DOLL, YOU TWITS.

(It’s interesting, on a side note, that I haven’t seen anybody talking about how Action Man’s muscles are indicative of a steroid addiction or that he wouldn’t be able to conceive because he doesn’t have a todger.)

People like to say that Barbie is a bad role model for girls. They even like to blame her for eating disorders, which I know is something that Barbara Millicent would not be down with at all. Being a ‘Barbie’ has even become an insult, to throw at airheads with low intelligence and high heels. I used to have bleach blonde hair and I’m not shy of a bottle of fake tan or three, and so I once myself had a boy in a club sneer at me, ‘Oh hi, BARBIE.’ Did he expect me to be offended? Compliment with a capital C, my friend.

So, here is a little list of things that I think make Barbie a tip-top role model. Barbie has taught me…

1. You Don’t Have to Make a Career Choice Straight Away

From the age of about ten, people start pressuring you into deciding what you want to do when you grow up. This is where Barbie steps in and says that you can try out any job you want to. Barbie has had a huge number of job roles, including but not limited to: makeup artist, chef, pilot, paleontologist, lifeguard, firefighter, Ambassador for World Peace, surgeon and President of the United States – so choke on that, feminists.

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2. Having a Cute Outfit Will Get You Far In Life

I have to admit that Barbie might not have had all the relevant qualifications to take on these job roles. I think a nice mini skirt at a couple of those interviews might have swung it for her.

3. Be an Independent Woman

Barbie may have had Ken, but she also had her own Dream House and her own car – and I’m sure that when they got married, he would have been the one signing the pre-nup rather than her. In fact, I heard that Destiny’s Child actually wrote their song ‘Independent Woman’ about Barbie*

*(this fact is almost definitely not true, but it should be)

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4. Monogamy Is Cool

Despite her afore-mentioned independence, Barbie was still a one-man kind of woman and you have to respect that in today’s promiscuous age. I personally never heard of Ken sneakily messaging other girls on Facebook or Barbie flirting with his best mate. Theirs was a very healthy relationship – certainly no Carrie and Mr Big dysfunction over here (and we all know that Aidan was Carrie’s Ken anyway, but she was too much of a silly cow to recognise it).

5. Life Gets Tough. Turn to Jack Daniels.

Image Source: Tyler Shields


1 Response

  1. kumba May 31, 2013 / 1:39 pm

    Haha! Hilarious but truthful! Using life tips from an overly successful doll.



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