7 Ways I Totally Fail As A Woman

Vanity ClaireOn first impressions, I’m your typical girls’ girl. I don’t leave the house without makeup on, I’d never drink lager in a pub, and sometimes I cry at The X Factor without really knowing why. However, beneath this girly exterior I hide a few dark secrets. A few things that make me worry that my membership card for Womanhood might be revoked at any minute.

I present you with the 7 ways I totally fail as a woman:

1. I’m not interested when people bring a baby into the office, and can’t actually bring myself to stand around cooing at the tiny human. Do I want to have a hold? No, I want to drink my tea in peace. Now, if someone brought a puppy in on the other hand…

2. Most ‘chick flicks’ make me want to smother myself in the sofa cushions. While there are some that I love as much as the next girl (big up Bridget Jones), there are a lot of classic chick flicks that leave me absolutely cold. Dirty Dancing? Weird film about some sort of holiday camp sexual predator, from what I’m seeing. Pretty Woman? Why on earth is this meant to be a romantic situation I aspire to? The Holiday? YOU MUST ALL BE JOKING, HOW CAN ANYONE ENJOY THIS ANNOYING DRIPPY FILM?

3. I hate baths. You’ll never find a photo of my soapy legs emerging from a Lush-laden bath on my Instagram, because I don’t like baths at all. I’ve finally figured out that this is because I’m short and my feet don’t reach the end of my bath, leaving me with a constant worry that I might drown. First world problems.

4. I can’t flirt. I must have been missing from school the day that they took the girls into another room and demonstrated the fine art of hair flicking and eyelash fluttering (I assume the boys were in their room getting told things like “beep at her and shout something vulgar from your car” and “dance up behind her in a bar until she has to throw her drink at you. Get in there lad”).

5. Sometimes I over-share about gross bodily functions. Take this blog post for example, where I ended up speaking about poo quite a lot. I’ll share these sort of details with family, friends and colleagues – none of whom probably want to know… but we’re all human. We all poo. Wait, don’t we..?

6. The thought of a wedding appeals to me less than a bath. Apparently every young girl dreams about their wedding day. Erm, not this one.While I really like other people’s weddings, the idea of having everyone stare at me and want to speak to me for a WHOLE DAY makes me a bit stressed. And that’s before I even think about the money that has to go into it. I can honestly think of about 15 things I would rather do with 10 grand, and none of them involve my relatives eating vol-au-vents. Buy your own vol-au-vents.

7. I don’t really fancy Ryan Gosling or David Beckham, and I definitely don’t fancy Bieber. With my teenage crushes on Russell Brand and Noel Fielding, I was once accused of only fancying men who looked like ugly women (rude, Brand is clearly still a stud)(Fielding not so much, soz). Sometimes I have to pretend to swoon at the latest photos of David Beckham in his pants just so nobody exposes me as a feminine oddity.

Do any of you relate to my lack of womanly guiles, my disregard for chick flicks and my penchant for oversharing? Let me know in the comments!

Disclaimer: and before anyone jumps at me for how horrendously stereotyping this post is – calm down. I’m having a laugh… Except I don’t really think girls should drink pints of lager. T’RA! 



23 Responses

  1. Martha April 28, 2016 / 2:34 pm

    Wow, I relate to so many of these but I’ve always considered myself a girly girl too! Showers all the way and babies are only ever slightly cute when they’re asleep because they’re quiet then aha!
    Lovely post xx

  2. Shireen L. Platt April 28, 2016 / 2:51 pm

    Haha! I am with you on chick flicks, never liked them and never will. I do like kids though well, I’m a mum of two so that’s why. And no, like you I can’t flirt either and I used to have very tomboyish hair and only wear jeans and so many thought I was a lesbian. Flirting and me never got along. LOL!

    Shireen | Reflection of Sanity

  3. Stephanie April 28, 2016 / 3:10 pm

    I think I’m the total opposite to you haha. I’ve definitely drunk lager at a pub at some point in my life (comes with the territory of once having been a barmaid) and half the time I leave the house without makeup. This post made me chuckle so much. I have to say that I do love a bath and soppy chick flicks too.

    Steph – http://www.nourishmeblog.co.uk

  4. Jasmine April 28, 2016 / 3:32 pm

    I never understood the hype over Dirty Dancing either!

    I love people who overshare. I’m such an open book about everything I would happily talk about my pooing experiences with you! haha.

    Jasmine x

  5. Aimey April 28, 2016 / 4:25 pm

    Oh my god! I died laughing at these and I agree with most of them but I am a big fan of baths (soz).
    My biggest woman fail is my severe lack of gracefulness – I’m the one that walks into doors, falls down stairs and endlessly trips over everything – at least it’s entertaining I guess (for other people, I wouldn’t say it’s the greatest time for me ha)
    Great post lovely,
    – aimey xxx


  6. Pam April 28, 2016 / 5:43 pm

    this is super funny! I tried holding a colleagues baby and he cried for the rest of his visit, not good when everyone is blaming you :p
    Pam xo/ Pam Scalfi♥

  7. Rebecca Alderson April 28, 2016 / 11:46 pm

    So I agree with all of these except the bath thing and the wedding thing! Though my idea of my ultimate wedding with be loads of cake and cocktails in somewhere like a farm or a park with loads of bands after so not exactly traditional!…

  8. Natasha April 29, 2016 / 10:09 am

    Yessss, my teenage crush was Noel Fielding too ahhh!! Mighty Boosh was my teenage life! x

  9. Lindsey April 29, 2016 / 5:58 pm

    I feel you with the baby statement and the chick flicks – when I was 13 I watched pretty woman and I think poking my eyes out would have been a lot more fun. However, these things don’t make you less of a woman… just more of a relateable person who doesn’t scream for young dumb boys (AKA Bieber) when there’s classy men to be had 😉

    Lindsey Elyse | lindseyginge

  10. Jenny April 30, 2016 / 5:43 pm

    I’m completely with you on most of these but I do love baths haha! I’m also not so interested in babies and always thought I was weird ha,ha! I love puppies however but maybe that might change in time but for now it’s not really going anywhere xx

    Jenny | Krystel Couture + House of Fraser Giveaway

  11. Anna May 1, 2016 / 3:34 pm

    I love this , especially the one about the babies in the office lol. I am of the age where everyone wants to show me there baby and tell me I’m next and while I’m glad that there happy I am just not interested myself. Puppies however I would fight off anyone to get to them first. Xx


  12. Georgina May 2, 2016 / 10:01 am

    Thank God I’m not the only one who doesn’t see the appeal of Ryan Gosling.

  13. Carly Heath May 2, 2016 / 10:37 am

    LOVE this post! I don’t like Beckham or Gosling either. I’m a girly girl too but you should definitely try lager and lime in the pub – it’s amaaaazing.

    Carly @ http://www.carly-heath.co.uk

  14. Sharon May 2, 2016 / 4:10 pm

    I can relate to few of those. I’m not one for talking about bodily functions and I definitely don’t fancy David Beckham either. I also cry at the X Factor sometimes but I love chick flicks and a good wedding 🙂
    Sharon xx

  15. Jasmine May 3, 2016 / 11:13 am

    Hahaha, I die laughing at your posts. I must admit, I DO drink lager in the pub, hate babies with a fiery passion and overshare about my bodily functions. On the contrary, Ryan Gosling IS hot af, and anyone who disagrees needs lobotomising pronto.
    Loved the post, as always! xx

    JasmineMcRae | UK Beauty Blog

  16. claudia May 12, 2016 / 10:30 am

    LOVE this post!

    Baths- WHY?! You are literally sitting in your own dirt. And how are you supposed to wash your hair?!?! Apart from if you’re taking a sultry (and cringy) photo of your legs, have a shower.

    Weddings- I’ve been working on a wedding planner client for the last month so I have been living, breathing and sleeping weddings! I feel like I could plan my own successfully in my sleep….Probably need a boyfriend first though.

    Claudia xx

  17. Serena May 17, 2016 / 4:29 pm

    I totally relate to this! I’m not the most girly girl either! I do all of these things ahahah

  18. Lauren May 17, 2016 / 8:46 pm

    Lol i with you on the bath though for opposite reason, I’m too tall and don’t fit so always end up with cold bits. Same for beckham nod briber but have to say gosling is pretty yum! I don’t think your alone, still card carrying member of the club
    livinginaboxx | bloglovin

  19. Jazzria May 24, 2016 / 1:07 pm

    Haha love this post!

    Jazzria x

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