We all know that breakups are one of the least fun things that you go through in your life. Whether you’re the dumper or the dumpee, suddenly having a boyfriend-shaped hole in your life is a pretty intense thing and you have to indulge in a bit of wallowing.
But after a few days of this, you have to drag yourself out of your Mars Bar wrapper filled bed, take a good hard look at yourself in the mirror and ask the ever-important question: WWABD (What Would Amanda Bynes Do)? It’s at this point that you remember that you are a Bad Bitch and that you don’t need no man. To help you solidify this attitude, here are some thoughts I’ve had about why, actually, breakups are really really brilliant.
You Will Lose Weight
It is a known fact of life that relationships make you fat. Boyfriends are feeders. You might think that all of those nights where they suggest a takeaway, or surprise you with a feast of cakes and your favourite lard-filled goodies were them being nice, but this is NOT TRUE- they were trying to make you chubby so that you couldn’t run off and leave them! Now you’re single, you have no excuse to indulge in these Fat Nights.
It’s important to remember at this time that YOU MUST NOT EAT YOUR FEELINGS – DRINK THEM. Sure, alcohol does have a lot of sneaky calories, but hopefully you’ll drink so much that you spend the end of your night chucking them all up in a club toilet. You should also be so hungover the next day that you spend the whole day lying in your bed clutching a bottle of OJ and crying (fact: there are calories in tears; cry them out and drop the pounds).
You’ll also have loads of spare time on your hands now that you’re single – you should dedicate this time to going to the gym and transforming yourself into a hot momma. Make the gym your boyfriend – in fact, to stop people worrying that your life is sad and ridiculous, you can even start telling your friends that you’re actually seeing a new boyf called Jim. ‘Just seeing Jim tonight’, you can say, safe in the knowledge that you’re not technically lying.
Also, you should keep your fingers crossed that your ex is a comfort eater. Take pleasure in watching them grow a double chin and have to resort to a rebound girlfriend who’s a solid 4 out of 10 below you. Get in.
You Have A Few Guilt-Free Nights of Being a Liability
Everybody knows that when your friend goes through a breakup, you have to be a number of things: friend, counselor, ego-booster and drinking partner. When you become newly single, you can ask your friends to go out with you and they HAVE to say yes. Even that friend who would normally object to happy hour on a work night has to come out with you if utter those words “I really need cheering up right now.”
Also, when you’re out, you get to act like a complete lunatic and nobody can judge you. They can’t get frustrated with you for being too drunk and getting everyone kicked out of the bar – as they hold your hair back while you hurl chunks, you just have to choke out “I’m! Just! So! Sad!” and they’ll instantly have to have sympathy for you.
The one thing to note here is that the usual Hangover Depression that hits all of us every now and then is going to magnified when you’re post-breakup. This means that you might spend more time than you’d like in a hungover pit of tragedy, stalking your ex’s Facebook and wailing hysterically when you see tagged pictures of him smiling (the bastard, how dare he be living his life?) So you might need to ask yourself whether that tenth tequila and dancing on the table is really worth the pain you’ll feel the next day (hint: IT IS).
You Will Save Money
While I don’t recommend letting yourself go at all just because you’re single, there are certain things you don’t have to worry about so much. For example, think of the money you’ll save on fake tan now that you only have to do your limbs and other parts of your body people actually see.
You can also save money on your electricity bill because you no longer have to make sure you always have freshly-washed nice underwear. You wanna wear that grey-white t-shirt bra and your massive pants with owls on? You go homegirl, you’re not here to impress anybody.
Your phone bill will also be significantly less now that you don’t have to waste your time with those boyfriend-calls where you pretend to care about their day. You’ll be back to only having your mum in your recent call list, saving you loads of money.
Of course, you’ll get a lot less free food now that you’re not being taken out for meals all the time. But just use this as a reason to work on Point 1 and avoid going out for food anymore.
You’ll Get to Be the Fun One Again
The fact is that while you were in a relationship, you probably became a bit boring without realising it. Being single is actually quite entertaining, and you’ll soon notice that your friends are constantly ringing you to find out if you really kissed so-and-so last night and what the current situation is with that boy who you’re playing the ‘he’s left it three hours to text me so I’ll leave it four hours to text him’ game with.
The chances are that while you were in a relationship, nobody ever rang you to say ‘ohhhhhhh myyyyyyy godddddd, is it true you made sushi together last night? Shut up! Tell me all about that French film you went to see, oh god this is scandalous’. So enjoy your new time in the limelight. Yes, sometime your friends might look at you with pity in their eyes – but THIS JUST MEANS YOU’RE LIVING YOUR LIFE.