How To Dress For Your Body Shape: The Real Person Version

I’m pretty sure most girls have tried on clothes while out shopping, taken a peek in the mirror and thought ‘good heavens, these leather trousers make me look like a raging hippopotamus lunatic’. (no…just me?)

I am very passionate about people wearing clothes that suit them (i.e. if you are over a certain age and insist on wearing disco hot pants, you need to go home). And that’s not just me being horrified at seeing elderly bottom in the streets, I think people generally feel better in clothes that fit them and suit them. I know I definitely do, which is why I refuse (on grounds that I don’t want to alarm anybody with my trunk-like arms) to wear things that don’t have sleeves.

But how on this good green earth how do you dress for your body shape in this day and age without looking like a lunatic?

Triangle:

If you’re a triangle shape, you tend to be bigger on top and smaller on the bottom – basically an inverted pear. Skater skirts help to put you more into proportion.

Leather Skater Skirt | Cropped Ribbed Tshirt | Cut Out Boots | Statement Necklace

Pear:

Aside from being delicious and good for you, pears tend to be bigger on the bottom and smaller on top. Patterns and sleeves balance y’all out.

Floral Skater Dress | Platform Sandals | Pale Pink Bag

Hourglass:

If you’re an hourglass, you’re a lucky thang. Hourglasses are the same proportions on top and on the bottom. Huzzah. Make the most most of your hot bod.

Black Midi Skirt | Crop Vest Drop | Cascade Necklace | Strap Heels

Apple:

Apple shapes are usually bigger around the middle bit, with slimmer legs and arms. Shift dresses are excellent because they don’t draw attention to the bigger areas. And transparent clutch bags are great.

White Flatforms | Daisy Print Shift Dress | Transparent Clutch Bag

Rectangle:

The model shape, you lucky thangs! Clothes look brilliant on you and you can pretty much wear anything. Thanks to the queen and merry England.

Metallic Boots | Lace Jumpsuit | Pink Satchel

I know there have been a zillion programmes on the telly about wearing the right clothes for your body shape, but lets be honest. Gok doesn’t really cater for us gals who are a bit on the younger side. And his tips don’t always correlate to what’s in the shops right at this moment in time. The whole “ooooo-er wear a waist belt to draw the eye to who knows what” is frankly nonsense. It’s not 2004 anymore and I don’t even know where you buy a coloured waist belt anymore. And this horizontal versus vertical stripe situation baffles me. If I wear a vertical stripe, I can pretty much guarantee that I will not look like a size 6 Kate Moss.

My ultimate top tip for you all is: the bigger the bag, the smaller the waist. While dressing for your shape is a good idea…sometimes you just want to wear disco hotpants. If that’s the case, just buy lots of giant handbags and wear what you want. Goodnight.

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